Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
