I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Randomize
