WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
