i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
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