I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
