they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
You ruined the universe
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
