My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
My life is pants optional.
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