last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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