I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
