So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize