I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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