im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize
