Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
