he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
My dick has a subreddit
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
