Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
