after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
