Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
