Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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