We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize