is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Randomize
