i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
