someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
