I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
