yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
