matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
