I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize