I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
