so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
