That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
