I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
