At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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