I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Randomize
