I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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