Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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