I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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