god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
