i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
