Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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