The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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