allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
