I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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