I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
