easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize