i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
