Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
