i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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