i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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