I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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