The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
