I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I still have a little drunk in my system
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
