hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
