Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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