Ketchup is God's man juice
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
