Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I am naked and annoyed.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
