I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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