I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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